(Trigger warning: mentions of intentional self-harm. If you are having thoughts of suicide, know that help is always here. You are not alone. Call the National Center For Mental Health 24/7 Crisis Hotline 1553, 0917 899 8727(USAP), and/or 7-989-8727 (USAP).)
Contrary to what most people think, Jake Zyrus said he's always been there—kept inside and afraid to come out—fearing other people's judgment.
Yet to fully understand a heteronormative society's penchant for labels, five-year-old "Charice" was baffled why he got teased about a boy classmate, when his crush was a girl and during roleplay games, he liked to be a bodyguard named "Jerick".
"I remember at the time, sabi ko na parang 'Huh? I don't understand bakit nila ako tinutukso dito'... I would look in the mirror and sabi ko, 'This is weird. Why am I feeling this way but i’m seeing someone different?'", Zyrus told actress Toni Gonzaga-Soriano in a recent vlog.
At 29 years old, the singer looked back at how he truly felt when he was performing with some of music's biggest stars, and became friends with personalities like Oprah Winfrey and Ellen Degeneres. The entire time, wearing the prettiest dresses, he felt only betrayal for himself.
"I did not want to sound ungrateful, I didn't want people to feel like, 'grabe naman ayan na nga diba nasayo na nga lahat.' But from the beginning of nung na-discover ako, and even way before Little Big Star, it was there. It was always there," Zyrus said.
"So the struggle, yung pain, yung hiding yourself. Even before I transitioned, before I came out, [towards the] very end, I was [telling myself] ‘No, no, no, no'," he said.
"Nalunod kung ano talaga yung gusto kong gawin which is music," he added.
'A very bad place to be'
The "worst of the worst" almost happened, Zyrus said, revealing how thrice he attempted to end his life. "Yung nasa isip ko at the time, other people. I didn't want to disappoint them," he said.
For the first two attempts, Zyrus said he would wake up in the hospital extremely upset, asking God why he couldn't just end it.
"When you feel that moment that you want to kill yourself, it's scary. It's scary ‘cause you can't feel pain at all because your mind and your heart is decided. It's not something that you want to be in... It's a very, very bad place to be," he said.
On his third and last try, Zyrus remembers how he woke up at a hospital in Singapore the morning he was set to perform as part of "David Foster and Friends", and the Canadian musician was the first person he saw.
"He was like, 'are you okay? Do you think you can perform? You don't have to.'..He knew that I was having a hard time and I remember nakahiga pa rin ako sa bed and said, ‘Nope I'm going to perform tonight," he said.
Then Foster said: "You know what, for tonight, you don't have to wear a dress or something." So for the first time ever onstage, he wore pants, sneakers, and his hair was braided.
"That was the first time that they let me wear something like that. And it was a big deal for me. I remember being just comfortable," Zyrus said.
Becoming Jake Zyrus
Wanting to come out "so bad", Zyrus in 2013 came out publicly for the first time as a lesbian. Even as he started wearing traditionally male clothes and cut his hair short, he felt as though "it wasn't enough".
"It’s like I came out as a lesbian because feel ko lang ito yung maintindihan ng mga tao," he said. Around the time he came out, transgender people and the act of transitioning were still largely misunderstood.
"I just remember telling myself 'hindi ko na kaya lumabas ng bahay o magtrabaho na alam kong again, nag come out nga ako but it still felt like I was betraying myself'. And I wasn’t just betraying myself, but I was betraying people as well by not telling them the whole truth" he added.
So when he finally started his transition, "it was very easy. The only hard part syempre was thinking of ano yung sasabihin ng mga tao," he said.
Recalling how he felt after his first surgery which was a mastectomy, or the removal of breasts, "I looked down, it was flat. It was like my birthday, you know," Zyrus said.
Transitioning was "definitely one of the best days" of his life, he said.
'I'll always be grateful'
Explaining his latest single, "Fix Me', Zyrus credits his restored faith in God (and his life experiences) for helping him move forward. "Obviously, people made me feel that 'I don’t belong here, na wala akong access, na hindi ako pwedeng magdasal.' I just told myself and I feel like, that was God telling me 'You cannot let anybody stop you or not give you any access to me'," he said.
"Until now, everyday is still a battle for me because I definitely understand that some people have different beliefs, understanding, opinions… We all have different religions in our lives. But sa akin, if you don’t understand me, then maybe just be kind to me," he said.
Despite everything, Zyrus said he'll always be grateful for everything that happened, "Charice and all that" included. In today's social media age, he's optimistic that more and more talented Filipinos will take after his path.
"I'm just really happy that I get to experience being the first one. It will forever be in my heart. And that'll always be me, whether Jake or Charice," he said.
